10 Terrible Movies by 10 Great Directors
By: DThompson | in: Movies |
1) Stephen Spielberg – Always (1989)
Spielberg patented a brand of cinema that fairly sparkled with magic on the screen. It’s a difficult quality to nail down, sweet but not quite sugary, a blend of attractive lighting, likable characters and perfection of detail. It seemed to always work. Well, not always. Spielberg’s remake of the war-time fantasy “A Guy Named Joe” has the Spielberg touch in spades yet all it delivers is a boring cloying mess. Even the likable trio of Richard Dreyfus, Holly Hunter and John Goodman can’t save this over-long mish-mash of styles. At least Goodman looks like a fire fighter, Dreyfus is woefully miscast as a devil-may-care type, like remaking “The Right Stuff” and choosing Woody Allen to play Chuck Yeager. So, to say “Richard Dreyfus has been better” is to qualify for understatement of the year. Above and beyond its casting flaws is a story-line that takes place in a world utterly foreign to most in the audience. The movie takes 40’s war-time sensibilities and clunkyly attempts to transfer them whole cloth into a tale of modern day forest fire pilots. Who knew dumping slurry was such dangerous work? “A Guy Named Joe” worked because of the context the war gave it. Men died, their wives grieved, the reality surrounded the audience of the day. They must have had an immediate emotional connection to Spencer Tracy playing the dead pilot urging his girl to get on with her life and helping the callow young pilot complete his mission. To transfer that social reality to a forest fire robs us of any immediate understanding and engenders an overpowering urge to shrug your shoulders and say “Who cares?”
2) Andrei Tarkovsky – The Sacrifice (1986)
Tarkovsky is a critical darling who seems genetically incapable of making a film less than three hours long. Not that there’s anything wrong with long movies, I just generally want something, anything, to happen. Apparently the plot is there’s been a nuclear war (though it was too expensive to show) and this old man tries to stop it. There. That’s the first ninety minutes. At this point my brother leaned over and whispered “If someone doesn’t get fucked or killed in the next five minutes, I’m leaving.” No lie, that’s exactly what he said. So then, it turns out, there’s this witch, who doesn’t look or act like a witch but you’re told she’s a witch, so she is. Aaaand, the old man has to screw her to get her to somehow use her witchy powers to make it so the nuclear war we’ve never seen sign one of hasn’t happened. So, he screws her- (To the GREAT frustration of my brother who then had to stay and watch the rest of the movie) –and whataya know, the nuclear war never happened, because, you know, your average “witch” can change reality on a global scale like that. Then, for a grand finale the old man runs around stacking all the dining room furniture in a pile. Oh, and he sets his house on fire. The end. There, I just saved you three hours.
3) Stanley Kubrick – Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
When a movie features a “big orgy scene” and it’s the most boring part of the film (or, indeed, of any film you’ve ever seen) you know there’s something very very wrong. What is this movie about anyway? The banality of wealth and luxury? If you ask me, I think Kubrick was making a meta film about the banality of cinema, a final “fuck you” to his fans. Who better to star in a film dedicated to boring meaninglessness than Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman whose on screen vapidity has never been more palpable. Of the two Kidman comes off marginally better while Cruise turns in yet another annoyingly self-satisfied performance. But, you know, even if they’d done the greatest work of their careers it still wouldn’t save this movie from being a pointless, meandering, unfocused muddle.
4) David Lynch – Inland Empire (2007)
It pains me to include this because I’m a HUGE fan of Lynch but I simply cannot pay attention while watching this film. It just goes on and on meaning next to nothing while little of any importance happens. Laura Dern lives in a fancy house and she’s an actress making a movie and then she thinks she sees someone at the back of the set and walks off into the dark and comes out, in the film? In some alternate reality? Who knows. All I can tell you is she doesn’t live in a fancy house anymore, now she lives in a dinky hovel where her husband (I think it’s her husband) drinks beer around an outdoor grill with a bunch of hairy sweaty Polish guys. Oh, did I mention the people in the giant rabbit heads? There are people in giant rabbit heads delivering oblique dialogs that probably has something to do with some other thing and, oh I give up. Next thing I know I’ve walked away to the computer. I’ve never been one to demand coherence or meaning out of a Lynch film, but I do require that something of vague interest occur. Another film topping three hours that moves at a glacial pace while the audience fossilizes in their seats. Maybe I’d like the film’s second half better, if I could only stay awake through the first ninety minutes.
5) Tim Burton – Planet Of The Apes (2001)
One of Hollywood’s best visual stylists brings all the eye candy you’d expect to this needless and entirely inferior remake. A cameo by Charlton Heston only serves to remind you that a much better version of this film exists and that you would certainly be having a better time if that was what you were watching. You can literally feel yourself pining away for a hint of allegory, for a glimmer of meaning, even for the presence of Roddy McDowell. Ah, all for naught I’m afraid. At least I can console myself with the ample evidence that this was a paycheck film for Burton and not something he had a burning desire to inflict upon an innocent world. Finally, I will hate this movie forever for introducing the odious term “reimagining” to me. Why remake, excuse me, “reimagine” a film that was just fine in the first place? Will Hollywood never be satisfied until even the few good things they accidentally manage to produce are ground into the muck and recast as giant piles of stinking steaming excrement? Apparently not. You’d think a “reimagining” would have a bit more imagination on display.
6) Martin Scorsese – Casino (1995)
Another unnecessary remake. OK, well, not a remake, just a retread of the same territory Scorsese covered in “Good Fellas” to much greater effect. This movie proves Marty can’t make an incompetent film, but he can make an irrelevant one. Sharon Stone contributes nothing, Joes Pesci plays exactly the same character he did in Goodfellas, I kept waiting for Ray Liotta to show up. Watching mob guys get theirs is one of America’s favorite pastimes so I’m sure we can count on more movies of this sort, but hopefully not from Scorsese.
7) The Coen Brothers – Barton Fink (1991)
This is the kind of meandering pap good filmmakers create when they want to make a movie but don’t know what to make one about. A string of unfunny jokes, grating characters and gaping plot contrivances. John Goodman is completely wasted as a “mysterious” traveling salesman, that is, if it’s even possible to “waste” John Goodman.
Quentin Tarantino – Jackie Brown (1997)
Tarantino built a career around cobbling bits of Elmore Leonard stories into “original” scripts – and it worked magnificently. Then he decided to actually film a Leonard novel, Rum Punch, which he retitled “Jackie Brown” after its lead character. For some reason everything that was great about Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction was entirely missing this time around. Another three hour bore-a-thon as the film spins its wheels leading up to a caper robbery, then takes all of two seconds on the crime itself. Even Sam Jackson’s foul mouth and Bridget Fonda’s feet couldn’t save this. Grudging kudos to Quentin for having the casting chops to select the great Pam Grier and Robert Forster, too bad it was for his worst film.
9) Sam Raimi – Crimewave (1985)
After he hit the big time with his killer low budget horror film “The Evil Dead”, Sam Raimi decided to give his Three Stooges fetish free reign in this supposed-to-be-a-comedy. Unfortunately, his attempt, as scripted by the Cohen Brothers, is just not all that funny. In fact, there isn’t a truly amusing moment in the entire movie. What there are lots of, however, are those cringingly painful moments where actor and director are trying to be funny and failing miserably. A whole movie’s worth.
10) Steven Soderbergh – The Good German (2006)
A fairly desperate attempt to re-create the kind of film noir America used to churn out by the bucket load. All the moody black and white cinematography money can buy can’t bring the slightest sense of foreboding to the proceedings. I’ll give the film this though, the characters are dumb, dumb like big ol’ rocks, dumb like guys who should have the word “sucker” tattooed on their foreheads. You might think a story set in post-war Berlin and populated by beautiful German dames and lunkheaded American G.I.’s would be a noir classic. You would be wrong. Clooney plays the only utterly naive cynical newpaper man in the existence of the genre. He laces the film with tough-talking dialogue that mostly serves to get you wondering how a guy who’s supposed to be so worldly can be such a complete moron.. Director Soderbergh, for all his efforts, only manages to create a sordid atmosphere where you hate absolutely everyone. It’s just too bad a few characters are left standing at the end.
Posted on April 28, 2008
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24 Responses to “10 Terrible Movies by 10 Great Directors”
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A good post for the most part, but sorry man - I love Barton Fink. It’s a seminal film in the Coen Brothers collection much like the lesser known but brilliant Miller’s Crossing. If you like Fargo or the Big Lebowski - you should just know that Barton Fink was intended to be different and it is in a great way!
Barton Fink is a movie about the mind. It’s an intellectually stimulating film about a writer who has the worst block of his career. There’s less action than their other movies because it’s about characters and placing them in unusual (and sometimes grating) circumstances. It works as well as a period piece and as a poke at exploitation films (the movie industry here burning through writers to get crappy films made and rushed into the hands of a witless public)
Of course, you are welcome to your opinion (can’t take that away) but let’s re-examine the names of the directors listed here as there is an issue of scale evident in today’s blog.
For instance Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut is so fucking shitty when compared to his real gems that you can’t really compare Barton Fink to Fargo or No Country for Old Men. The scale of that badness is exponentially worse.
I told you you’d get your ass kicked for Barton Fink D. I haven’t watched that film since I was in high school and back then it seemed like a revelation.
Saying that, Crimewave (also penned by the Coens) was excruciating. I remember suffering through the whole thing cursing Raimi for ever making that film. Raimi is also behind Hercules and Xena so I guess nobody’s perfect…
Oh, and you forgot King Kong…
i completely agree from 1 to 5 and 9.
7,8 and 10 are minor pieces but they are not bad movies.
So-so if you wil, mediocre if we go severe, but terrible??..really?
on the case of Casino, you are totally insane.
Casino got some great scenes, lines and the movie is a good/ok movie even if it gets to be considered by you as a minor piece. the only bad thing that movie had was Sharon Stone. that was the true mistake of Scorsese in that movie.
Ya, I agree with Barton Fink, I’d go with Blood Simple - yawn.
But I guess you stayed true to the post, all the movies are not necessarily bad but considering the directors life work they fall short.
Good one D
A good post but don’t you know what a paragraph is? Give my eyes a break by breaking up the text into paragraph sized chunks!!!
I once read this book that did not use any periods and was essentially one long paragraph. I can’t remember which book it was (as I recall it was something famous). If anyone knows which book it is, pls let me know.
Steve, I read that whole book and didn’t bitch, so you can deal with one paragraphically-challenged post
(oh, and how about this one? http://www.planetfeedback.com/index.php?level2=blog_viewpost&topic_id=300063&reply_id=129776)
Haven’t seen most of them. I guess that was a good decision. CASINO, second time around, kinda irritated me. Esp. since I noticed that the movie has wall to wall music. I mean wall-to-wall… as if a second of silence would’ve set off a nuclear war.
I would probably pick Solaris over The Good German. I wanted to like both those films.
Spielberg stinkers: Amistad, Empire of the Sun, Minority Report and so on. He’s a great director that strikes out a lot but hits a homer every now and then.
Oh, did I mention AI and War of the Worlds? When was the last good Spielberg film?
[…] […]
Ryan: I know that many people like Barton Fink, in fact, I know it’s quite highly thought of. I just hate it.
I suppose the safer choice would have been Intolerable Cruelty or their remake of the Ladykillers, but I really enjoyed both of those films… So maybe my taste in Cohen Brothers films just sucks, go figure.
Charbarred: Crimewave was def. one of the very very VERY worst films I’ve ever seen. Just stunningly bad, and amazing that it came from Rami. I’d say thank God he never tried to do a comedy again but his next movie, Evil Dead II, was a comedy that really worked. Go figure again, eh?
Avatar: I stand by my assertion that Casino is an unnecessary and inferior rehash of Goodfellas. Also, Tarantino doesn’t make enough movies for every one NOT to be considered “major”, and Jackie Brown came right on the heels of Pulp Fiction so expectations were high. I suppose it’s possible my own sky high expectations were what led to my massive disappointment in the film. And I repeat, I hate Barton Fink, HATE it.
Rusty: All these movies are bad, imagine a film festival that showed these films. Ask yourself, would you want to go to that festival? Put another way, would you fork out $10 to see any one of these films in a theater? I liked Blood Simple. M. Emmet Walsh is the bomb.
HMTK Steve: Sorry, the tab key on my computer is broken. Well, not really. I’ll try to toss a few more indentations in in the future.
Charbarred: You read a book with no periods? I’m getting a headache just thinking about it.
Emon: You’re not getting any argument from me about Casino overusing the “music as a device to tell us what year it is” that Scorsese used to such excellent effect in Goodfellas. Just another example of why Casino is a terrible movie.
Steve-O: Having watched the original version of Solaris (By the above mentioned Andrei Tarkovsky) I saw the Soderbergh version as a VAST improvement and liked the quiet, contemplative feel he engendered.
Of course, my brother, who hated the original Solaris, and hated Soderbergh’s remake as well, called it a motionless boring pile of shit and left the room.
But I feel the need to stand up for Empire Of The Sun, which I really liked, though I admit, it loses a lot of its spectacle on the small screen. I’d blocked Amistad from my mind or I would have chosen it instead of Always. Good call.
I see your point D - although I’d pay much more than $10 to see a new Barton Fink or Jackie Brown right about now..
Great article Mr. 1/4Face (your pic on the banner of blog) however I think Scorsese’s worst movie is the horrible yawnfest that was Age Of Innocence. Spielbergs worst has got to be ET, I mean come on, the alien looked like a snail crossed with a turd. “ET phone home” wtf….I was hoping the gov’t guys would dissect it on the kitchen table and force the kids to watch. And I’m not sure which one of these guys unleashed “The Sicillian” on us, but they deserve to be tried in The Hague for crimes against humanity.
The Sicilian? Wasn’t that Michael Cimino? He did Deer Hunter and then went on to bankrupt film studios for the rest of his career.
And still no one is acknowledging King Kong was the worst film ever…
I agree with you on planet of the apes.
Itax: Age Of Innocence was not the best film I ever saw, Scorsese used repeated shots of vast banquets of fantastic food as a way to demonstrate the opulence the characters were surrounded with. I got the point, but mostly all that food made me want to visit the snack bar.
Michael Cimino directed The Sicilian, and it was little short of a miracle that he could even swing a directing gig after Heaven’s Gate. If you don’t know about Heaven’s Gate look up “debacle” in the dictionary. Yeah, the Sicilian sucked balls, but Cimino only made one (very) good film so he doesn’t rate as a “great” director and doesn’t remotely qualify for this list. He’d be at the top of this list in Opposite World though, the list called ‘10 Great Movies By 10 Terrible Directors’!
Charbarred: Just because you keep saying it, doesn’t make it true. Peter Jackson, IMHO, has yet to make a terrible film.
Unless you’re talking about the Dino De Laurentis produced King Kong from 1976, now that sucked ape balls. I know, I saw it in the theater and my dad and I agreed it was quite indescribably bad.
Jenny: Thank you
First of all, if you take away Michael J Fox from The Freighteners, you’re left with a very below average Saturday morning cartoon.
Second, King Kong certainly had impressive action scenes, but it also had a lot of dialog. Peter Jackson and dialog is like me and film directing. You gotta admit it was awkward…
I liked the King Kong remake, it was not without flaws, it was too long, but from Skull Island on that movie was fantastic.
And though I will concede that The Frighteners was Jackson’s weakest film, it has grown on me over the years. Maybe it’s just that Wellington looks like such a nice place to live.
I have to disagree with “Barton Fink” and “Always”.
Julian: I’m starting to get the idea that a lot of people like Barton Fink. But Always? A good film? Really?
OK, the scene where Dreyfus is getting Goodman to smear oil all over his face was cute, and Audrey Hepburn was as radiant as ever (even if she had a kind of throw away part). And yes, as I’ve already said, Amistad was a much worse film.
D., one day you will be head of the Barton Fink fan club. I promise!
You mean the day you and I go ice skating in hell? I’m looking forward to that Charbarred. I’m looking forward to zipping around the frozen lakes of Hades with you, discussing how great Barton Fink is and how terrible Peter Jackson’s remake of King Kong was. Dress warm!
c’mon. barton fink, eyes wide shut, and casino?
you’re a joke.
Barton Fink? You have to be kidding. That is one of the best movies the Coen Brothers made. “No Country for Old Men,” now there’s a stinker for you.